joke bank - Miscellaneous Jokes

Q. What did the pop star do when he locked himself out?
A. He sang until he found the right key!

Fun fact: If you cut off all your body hair and laid it end to end you'd be a fucking weirdo.

Q: Why are there no knock knock jokes about America?
A: Because freedom rings!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Two Irishmen friends are drinking together at one of their homes. One friend takes out a bottle of Irish whiskey and asks the other, "Will you pour this bottle out on my grave if I die first?" His friend replies, "Do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"

Q: Why did the tofu cross the road?
A: To prove he wasn't chicken.

Q: What's red and smells like blue paint?
A: Red paint.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A: To get to the body shop.

Fred: "Why do elephants wear red nail polish?"
Bob: "I don't know, why?"
Fred: "To hide in cherry trees."
Bob: "But I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree."
Fred: "See, it works."

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's very time consuming.