joke bank - Miscellaneous Jokes

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

Three elderly men are taking a walk outside their nursing home. The first one says, "Windy, isn't it?" The second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" The third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

Q: Why didn't the sailors play cards?
A: Because the captain was on the deck.

Three old friends got together and were discussing what movie they had watched when they conceived their children. One lady says she had just watched a movie called The Search for One-eye Jimmy and nine months later she gave birth to her baby. Another lady says, "Oh, I saw the movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and then nine months later I had septuplets." The last lady gasps and exclaims, "Oh no, I just watched 101 Dalmations!"

A statue of a naked woman and a naked man stand in a park at night. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a magical genie arrives and grants the statues each one wish to be fulfilled. Both the female and male statues agree on 15 minutes as a real man and woman in the bushes behind them to "get things done." The genie gives a knowing grin and grants the wish. The man and woman immediately jump behind the bushes and screaming sounds and laughter can be heard from their activities. 12 minutes later they return to the front of the bush again claiming they are finished. "Well now, that was kinda quick!" the genie says. "You can do it a second time for the remaining 3 minutes if you want," the genie tells them, winking his eye. Both the female and male look at each other and smile. The man says to the woman, "Okay great, but this time you get to hold the pigeon so I can shit on him!"

Q: Did you hear about the guy who drank 8 Cokes?
A: He burped 7Up.

Q: What do you call a doll on fire?
A: A Barbie-Q.

Q. What did the pop star do when he locked himself out?
A. He sang until he found the right key!

Q: Why are there no knock knock jokes about America?
A: Because freedom rings!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Q: Why don't cannibals eat comedians?
A: They taste funny.

Q: What's the importance of capitalization?
A: You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse.