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joke bank - Miscellaneous Jokes

A 7 year-old and a 4 year-old are in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year-old, "I think it's time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you." "Okay," replies the 4 year-old. In the kitchen, when the mother asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he answers, "I'll have Coco Pops, bitch." *WHACK* He goes flying out of his chair, crying his eyes out. The mother looks at the 4 year-old & sternly asks, "And what do you want?" "Dunno," he replies, "But it won't be fucking Coco Pops."

abbott98

The old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting at this same breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird, too .' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat back down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.'

Eagle145

Hickory Dickory Dock. Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got away with minor injuries.

Mark My Words

Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Ahnoyink

Three old friends got together and were discussing what movie they had watched when they conceived their children. One lady says she had just watched a movie called The Search for One-eye Jimmy and nine months later she gave birth to her baby. Another lady says, "Oh, I saw the movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and then nine months later I had septuplets." The last lady gasps and exclaims, "Oh no, I just watched 101 Dalmations!"

PEPE WHO

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Stop crying, you little baby.

Anonymous

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

AliZ123

Q: What do cats eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies.

slim

Once there was a farmer that was very protective of his three daughters. When they told him they were going to go out on dates one night, the farmer decided to wait outside with a shotgun. The first boy arrived for the first daughter, and he said, "Hi, my name is Freddy. I'm here for Betty. We're going for spaghetti. Is she ready?" The farmer decided he was decent enough, and let them go. The second boy arrived for the second daughter, and said, "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to a show. Is she good to go?" Again, the farmer decided he was decent enough and let them go. Finally, the last boy came, and he said, "Hi, my name is Chuck..." and the farmer shot him.

Mothertrucker

I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta, now it’s a Ford Focus.

Bob

A little boy gets a toy plane. The boy loves his plane. He flies it all over the house. One day, the boy is in the living room with his plane while his mom is in the kitchen washing dishes. She listens to the boy playing and hears him say, "Vroom, vroom, vroom. All you mother fucking people want to get on, get on. All you mother fucking people want to get off, get off." Angry, his mom rushes into the living room, takes the plane away, and sends him into his room. After 15 minutes, she starts to feel bad and tells the boy, "If you don't use that kind of language, you can play with your plane." The boy returns to the living room, his mom to the kitchen. She listens again to the boy playing, she hears him say, "Vroom, vroom, vroom. All you very nice people want to get on, get on. All you very nice people want to get off, get off. If you have a problem with 15 minute delay, you can go talk to the bitch in the kitchen!"

Maniackill...

A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender, "Can I have a cigarette?" The bartender replies, "Sure, the cigarette machine is over there." So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to order a cigarette, the machine suddenly says, "Oi, you bloody idiot." The man says with surprise in his voice, "That's not very nice." He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts. The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, "Ooh, I like your hair." The man says to the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me. Why's this?" The bartender replies, "Oh, that's because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary."

Liam Singl...