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joke bank - Miscellaneous Jokes

Most people want a perfect relationship; I just want a hamburger that looks like ones in commercials.

Faith Landon

I saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to reverse and leaving the scene.

Translater

''Doctor, my nose is 11 inches long!"
''Come back when it grows into a foot!"

hello_the_...

A drunk staggers out of a bar and lets go of a loud belch just as a couple are walking in the door. The man yells at the drunk, "How dare you belch before this woman!" The drunk says, "I'm sorry! I didn't know she wanted to go first."

Mark My Words

Two guys are driving down 5th Avenue in Manhattan when they come up to a red light. The guy driving slams the gas pedal and they go zooming past the red light. His friend looks at him and says, "Hey, you just went through a red light." The guy driving says, "Don't worry about it. My brother does it all the time." So they keep driving and they come to a second red light. The guy driving slams on the gas pedal and zooms past another red light. His friend is pretty mad, looks at him and says, "Hey man, you just went through another red light. What the heck are you doing?" The guy driving tells his friend, "Don't worry about it. My brother does this all the time." They come to a third red light and the guy driving slams on the gas, zooming past the red light. His friend starts screaming at him, "What the heck? You're going to get us killed! Pull over and let me out." The guy driving screams back at him, "I'm telling you: don't worry about it. My brother, he does it all the time." So they keep driving and they come to a green light. The guy driving slams on the brakes. His friend looks at him and says, "Are you out of your mind? What the heck is wrong with you? You go flying past three red lights, almost getting us killed, and then you slam on the brakes when you have a green light?" The guy driving looks at his friend and says, "I had to stop; my brother might have been coming."

Dave

Q: Did you hear about the guy who drank 8 Cokes?
A: He burped 7Up.

Anonymous

Chuck Norris pulled the pin in a grenade, threw it, killed 50 men, and then the grenade exploded.

Enid

Q: Why do nursing homes give the male patients Viagra?
A: To keep them from rolling out of bed.

gfjgddt

Two rednecks were walking along when they saw a dog licking its balls. The first redneck said, "I wish I could do that." The other redneck said, "You dumbass, he would bite you."

TheLaughFa...

I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta, now it’s a Ford Focus.

Bob

Q: What's red and smells like blue paint?
A: Red paint.

Anonymous

Q: Why don't cannibals eat comedians?
A: They taste funny.

HaHaHa