joke bank - Miscellaneous Jokes

A man was involved in an auto accident. A policeman ran up to the car and asked, "Are you seriously injured?" The man said, "How should I know? I'm a doctor not a lawyer."

Mexycan

Fun fact: If you cut off all your body hair and laid it end to end you'd be a fucking weirdo.

Joy Barr

Hickory Dickory Dock. Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got away with minor injuries.

Mark My Words

On a windy day, an old lady is standing on a street corner, holding on to her hat with both hands, even though her dress is flying up over her face. An old man across the street sees her and runs over. As he approaches her, he says, "Sister, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, standing over here in all this wind with your dress flying over your head, exposing your paraphernalia, and you're holding that damn hat with both hands. You ought to be ashamed." She looked at him and said, "Look here, fool, everything down there is 80 years old, but this hat is brand new."

Anthony J

When someone yawns, do deaf people think they're screaming?

Anonymous

Q: What do you call a vegan with diarrhea?
A: A salad shooter.

Mark My Words

Me: Siri, where is the best place to hide a body?
Siri: The second page of a Google search.

Anonymous

An alcoholic, a sex addict, and a pothead all die and go to Hell. Satan is waiting for them and tells all of them, "I am in a good mood today, so I am going to let each one of you pick one thing you love from Earth, and let you keep it here for 100 years, and then I will return for the goods." Satan first approaches the alcoholic, "What is it that you would like to have?" to which the alcoholic responds, "I want the finest brew, wine, and liquor you can get me." Satan brings him to a room filled with every type of beer on tap, the finest aged cellars of wine, and of course the purest grain alcohol. There is each type of liquor you could possibly think of or never afford to even taste, a never ending supply of it all. The man yells, "Whooa Hoo!" in excitement, and runs into the room. Satan laughs, shuts the door, and locks it. Satan then approaches the sex addict and asks, "What is it that you would like to have?" to which the sex addict responds, "Women! I want lots of beautiful women, one for each day of the year!" Satan brings him to a room filled with only the most gorgeous women imaginable. Some with huge breasts, some with small breasts, some with big asses, and some with small asses, some tall with never ending legs, and some short, some have tight p*ssies and some have shaved p*ssies. All of the women are hot, naked, and very horny. The sex addict immediately gets a raging hard on and runs into the room. Satan laughs, shuts the door and locks it. Satan finally approaches the pothead and asks, "What is it that you would like to have?" to which the pothead responds, "Well, that's easy! I want the best pot you got." Satan brings him to a room which is filled with the tallest, thickest, stinkiest, most dank plants growing on for acres. The sweet smell from the purest plants fills this enormous room. There were crystals growing on some buds which grew 15 feet high, just begging to be harvested. The quality of the bud would put the Cannabis Cup winners to shame, in all categories. It was beyond belief. The pothead was so awed and humbled by the sight of these beautiful plants, that he slowly walked into the room, he sat down Indian style, with his legs crossed, took slow deep breathes, closed his eyes and proceeded to meditate on this miraculous sight. Satan looked at him curiously, shut the door and locked it. 100 years pass. Satan returns to the first room, remembering the alcoholic, unlocks and opens the door. There is broken wine and liquor glass bottles shattered everywhere. The room smells like rotting animal flesh and piss. The alcoholic comes running at the door, naked, covered in his own vomit and shit, screaming "Help!, I don't want anymore. Let me out of here!" Satan laughs, shuts the door, and locks it. Satan then returns to the second room, remembering the sex addict, unlocks and opens the door. There are thousands of kids running around the room and babies crying madly making so much noise no one could hear their own scream. Hundreds of very, very old ladies now limp around with no clothes on, still very horny for the sex addict who attempts to run out the door as Satan watches. Before the sex addict can utter a word of desperation, Satan laughs, shuts the door, and locks it. Satan finally arrives at the third and final room, remembering the pothead, unlocks, and opens the door. After a quick look inside, Satan's evil grin turns to a look of confusion. Nothing had changed. The plants were untouched, just as dank as the day he left them. Even the pothead was in the same position, sitting down with his legs crossed. So Satan walks up behind the pothead, taps him on his shoulder and says, "What's wrong?" A tear rolls down the pothead's cheek as he turns to Satan and simply replies, "Got a light, man?"

hardip

Q: Can a match box?
A: No, but a tin can.

Anonymous

A little boy gets a toy plane. The boy loves his plane. He flies it all over the house. One day, the boy is in the living room with his plane while his mom is in the kitchen washing dishes. She listens to the boy playing and hears him say, "Vroom, vroom, vroom. All you mother fucking people want to get on, get on. All you mother fucking people want to get off, get off." Angry, his mom rushes into the living room, takes the plane away, and sends him into his room. After 15 minutes, she starts to feel bad and tells the boy, "If you don't use that kind of language, you can play with your plane." The boy returns to the living room, his mom to the kitchen. She listens again to the boy playing, she hears him say, "Vroom, vroom, vroom. All you very nice people want to get on, get on. All you very nice people want to get off, get off. If you have a problem with 15 minute delay, you can go talk to the bitch in the kitchen!"

Maniackill...

Two women friends had gone out for a girls night out, and had been overenthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very close to a graveyard, and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties, used them, and threw them away. Her friend however, was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the other husband and says, "These girls' nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, "From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you!"

Bianca723

A statue of a naked woman and a naked man stand in a park at night. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a magical genie arrives and grants the statues each one wish to be fulfilled. Both the female and male statues agree on 15 minutes as a real man and woman in the bushes behind them to "get things done." The genie gives a knowing grin and grants the wish. The man and woman immediately jump behind the bushes and screaming sounds and laughter can be heard from their activities. 12 minutes later they return to the front of the bush again claiming they are finished. "Well now, that was kinda quick!" the genie says. "You can do it a second time for the remaining 3 minutes if you want," the genie tells them, winking his eye. Both the female and male look at each other and smile. The man says to the woman, "Okay great, but this time you get to hold the pigeon so I can shit on him!"

8AR7