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joke bank - Miscellaneous Jokes

Q: Why don't cannibals eat comedians?
A: They taste funny.

HaHaHa

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.

SusuM

An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, I'd like to have some birth control pills. Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you're 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?" The woman replied, "They help me sleep better." The doctor considered this for a second, and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice, and I sleep better at night."

Brightcomet

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

eric4325

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word "definitely" in a sentence. Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?" The teacher says, "Of course not Johnny." To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants."

lglaugh

Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?
A: The location of the dirt bag.

yesca487

Have you heard the story of the magic sandwich? Never mind, it's just a bunch of bologna.

Iamsnappy4

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Anonymous

Blonde 1: "What does WTF mean?"
Blonde 2: "What the fuck?"
Blonde 1: "Geeze, I'm just asking."

VNMP

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's very time consuming.

screwstock

Fun fact: If you cut off all your body hair and laid it end to end you'd be a fucking weirdo.

Joy Barr

Q: What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A: A thesaurus.

Silenxio M...