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joke bank - Miscellaneous Jokes

Q: What do you call a vegan with diarrhea?
A: A salad shooter.

Mark My Words

A new patient was quite upset when the doctor’s nurse led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress. "But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!" he protested. "Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the blond nurse. "That’s a stupid rule," grumbled the patient, "making me undress just to look at my toe." "That’s nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle. "I just came to fix the phones!"

DAVID P.

Q: How much does a hipster weigh?
A: An instagram.

Anonymous

A drunk appears in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started!"

Cpumper

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses." The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

marentes

A guy goes to see his doctor, and the doctor says, "Well, I'm afraid you have six weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh damn, well what should I do doctor?" The doctor tells him, "You should take a mud bath once a day for the next six weeks," and the guy asks, "Why? Is that supposed to help?" and the doctor says, "No, but it'll get you used to being in the ground."

hollow1030

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Stop crying, you little baby.

Anonymous

Q: Why did the dyslexic agnostic with insomnia stay up all night? A: She was wondering if there really is a dog.

Mark My Words

The old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting at this same breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird, too .' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat back down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.'

Eagle145

Q. Why are mountains not just funny?
A. They are also hill areas.

JxDtv

I'm so hot, when I took of my clothes in the bathroom, the shower got turned on.

Anonymous

Q: Why did the house go to the doctor?
A: It was having window pains.

Capricorn37