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joke bank - Miscellaneous Jokes

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

mg1984chev

Q: What do you give a guy with a machete for his birthday?
A: I don't know. Just hope he likes it.

Anonymous

Why did the little boy bury his flashlight? Because the batteries died.

lilsexylady

Bob, Rob, and Robert live on the six hundredth floor of an apartment building. One day, the elevators are broken, so they have to take the stairs. To entertain themselves, they decide that for the first 200 floors, Bob will tell happy stories, for the middle 200 floors, Rob will tell funny stories, and for the last 200 floors, Robert will tell sad stories. On the 401st floor, Robert says, "Here's my sad story: I left our apartment's keys in the car."

Sense O. H...

My new thesaurus is terrible. It's also terrible.

TheLaughFa...

A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me five shots of your best scotch!" The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can. "Wow, that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink!" says the bartender. "Well, you'd drink that fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The man replies, "50 cents."

azcoyotedog

When characters in the movies go underwater, I like to hold my breath to see how long I can last. I almost died in Finding Nemo.

Anonymous

Q: Where's the best view of falling stars in Los Angeles?
A: A rehab center.

noahlot2

The toilet at my local police station has been stolen. The cops have nothing to go on.

Barry C.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

Gamer2210

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his cigarette pack. "I found them in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my sweet little hamster."

TheLaughFa...

Fuddy: "I can't believe they are still together after all the shit they have been through!"
Duddy: "Who?"
Fuddy: "My butt cheeks."

Facebroke