joke bank - Miscellaneous Jokes

I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

J.J. Lafave

Q. Why is quantum mechanics is the original "original hipster"?
A. It described the universe before it was cool.


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. The first says to the second, "I think I've lost an electron." The second replies, "Are you sure?" to which the first retorts, "Yes, I'm positive."


On top of a hill area, there are three draculas bragging about their powers to each other. The first one, points at a large house in the village underneath them, and quickly fly towards it. In about five minutes, he's back with a hint of blood dripping from his lip. Proudly, he says that all the humans living in that house died from his attack. The second dracula laughs as he's pointing to a small village area. After that, the second dracula jumps and flies in a quicker manner than the first one, in not more than a minute, he's already back with his mouth covered in blood. He says that all the people in the village that he pointed at died from his quick and brutal attack. The first dracula felt beaten, while the third one didn't say anything, but he gave one cold stare to a direction with small city lights at the end of it. Without any word, he flashed into that direction, and in more of a shock, he's back in around five seconds of time with face all covered in blood. Both previous draculas are surprised, and asked him if had he slaughtered the people in that small city. The third dracula shouts, "Did you two see that electrical pole in front of us?" they replied, "Of course we did, why?" still shouting, the third dracula says, "Goddammit, I didn't!"


A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve lunch here."


A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "What's with the wheel?" The pirate says, "Arrrr! It drives me nuts!"


An Italian, a Mexican, and a redneck construction worker were sitting on top of their construction site during their lunch break. When the Italian opened his lunch, he said, "Dammit! If I get spaghetti again, I'mma gonna jump off this building anda kill myself." The Mexican opened his lunch and said, "Dammit! If I get tacos again, I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself." The redneck also opened his lunch and said, "Dammit! If I get another damn hamburger, I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself." The next day they all got the same thing in their lunchboxes and killed themselves. At the funeral, the three widows were at the graves crying. The Italian widow said, "I'm so sad because I forgot to pack him something else!" The Mexican widow sobbed, "I did the same thing!" The redneck's wife said, "That damn idiot packed his own lunch!"


A man is at the bar, blind drunk. Some of the customers decide to be good Samaritans and get him home. They pick him up off the floor and drag him out of the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car, and he falls down four more times. They ring the doorbell and a woman answers. “Here’s your husband!” “Thanks,” says the man’s wife. “What did you do with his wheelchair?”


What's six inches long and has nuts? Almond Joy


Q: What can only be used after it is broken?
A: An egg.


A guy accidentally dropped $2 in the toilet and thought, "It's not worth putting my hand in the toilet for only $2," so then he dropped a $50 bill in the toilet on purpose and thought, "It is worth it to put my hand in there now for $52."

Petrit Gashi

The student asked René DesCartes, "Professor, you say 'I think therefore I am.' But how do I know it is I who is thinking?"
"Who wants to know?" answered the old philosopher.