joke bank - Miscellaneous Jokes

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute. I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi.

I think I killed my best friend. He asked me what was the best thing for sunburn and I told him, "Sit in the sun for eight hours."

Q: Why should you never trust a toilet?
A: Because it's full of shit.

Google will tell you that the number 1 sign of alcoholism is drinking alone. I feel that the number 1 sign of alcoholism is having to Google "number 1 sign of alcoholism."

A guy walks into a bar, and breaks his nose!!!

Santa, standing on a railway platform, suddenly runs and stands on the tracks.
Banta: "Santa, move out of the way! The train is arriving!"
Santa: "Haven't you heard the announcement that the train is arriving on the platform?"

A guy in a bar pukes on his shirt. His mate says, “No worries, just stick a $10 bill in your pocket, and tell your wife some guy puked on you and gave you the money for the cleaning bill!” So, he explains this to his wife who then asks, “So why are there two $10 bills in your pocket?” He replies, “Oh, because the guy pissed in my pants as well!”

20 years I've been eating outta cereal boxes, and you gotta give it to em'. They stayed firm and refused to move with the times. I mean they know the resealable ziplock bag exists, but they've never backed down. No matter how many times the fold-in top rips or the plastic bag tears on the wrong edge, they say "No innovation, we say no!"

Gasoline is so overpriced right now, ExxonMobil just changed the names of their three grades of gas to Tall, Grande, and Venti!

Q: What did the triangle say to the circle? A: "You're pointless!"

I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?