joke bank - Miscellaneous Jokes

Google will tell you that the number 1 sign of alcoholism is drinking alone. I feel that the number 1 sign of alcoholism is having to Google "number 1 sign of alcoholism."

Q: Why should you never trust a toilet?
A: Because it's full of shit.

A guy walks into a bar, and breaks his nose!!!

I think I killed my best friend. He asked me what was the best thing for sunburn and I told him, "Sit in the sun for eight hours."

Q: Do you want to know how I got out of Iraq?

A: I-ran

A guy in a bar pukes on his shirt. His mate says, “No worries, just stick a $10 bill in your pocket, and tell your wife some guy puked on you and gave you the money for the cleaning bill!” So, he explains this to his wife who then asks, “So why are there two $10 bills in your pocket?” He replies, “Oh, because the guy pissed in my pants as well!”

Gasoline is so overpriced right now, ExxonMobil just changed the names of their three grades of gas to Tall, Grande, and Venti!

Q: What did the triangle say to the circle? A: "You're pointless!"

I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

Santa, standing on a railway platform, suddenly runs and stands on the tracks.
Banta: "Santa, move out of the way! The train is arriving!"
Santa: "Haven't you heard the announcement that the train is arriving on the platform?"

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Repeat.
Repeat who?
Okay, who who who who who who...

Three guys are stranded on a remote island when a native appears out of nowhere and says, "I will grant you one weapon with which to kill yourself so I can make a boat out of your skins." The first guy wishes for a pistol, shoots himself, and dies. The second guy does the same, but the third guy wishes for a fork, stabs himself everywhere, and says, "Ha! Try making a boat out of that!"