joke bank - Miscellaneous Jokes

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Repeat who?
Okay, who who who who who who...


There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


Three guys are stranded on a remote island when a native appears out of nowhere and says, "I will grant you one weapon with which to kill yourself so I can make a boat out of your skins." The first guy wishes for a pistol, shoots himself, and dies. The second guy does the same, but the third guy wishes for a fork, stabs himself everywhere, and says, "Ha! Try making a boat out of that!"


I told my psychiatrist, "My wife sent me here because I like pancakes." She said, "Liking pancakes doesn't make you crazy. I like pancakes too." I said, "Great! Come down to the house. I got a whole basement full!"


A man walks into a bar and sees a pianist, who is only one foot tall, playing the piano. He talks to the bartender and says, "That's amazing! Where did you find a 12 inch pianist?" The bartender replies, "Oh, I have a genie in the back room who grants wishes. Give it a try if you want." The man goes to the genie and says, "Oh genie, I wish I had a 100 million bucks." The genie nods his head and a few seconds later there's a puff of smoke and 100 million ducks fly over the man's head. The man goes back to the bartender and complains, "I wished for 100 million bucks, not 100 million ducks!" And the bartender says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"


Your lips are so chapped, I can hear you smile.


Q: Who was the smallest man in the Bible?
A: King David because he was only 12 inches tall as he was a ruler.


Q: What does a vegan zombie eat?
A: Graaaiiiiinnnssss.


Q: How do you cook toilet paper?
A: First you brown it. Then you throw it in the pot.


After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office and said, "Kevin, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm sorry to tell you that the man you saved later hung himself." "He didn't hang himself," Kevin replied, "I hung him up to dry."


When I was single I had this old aunt that use to come up to me at family weddings and poke me in the ribs and say, "You’re next." She stopped after I did the same to her at a funeral.


It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.