A man goes to a strip club with an alligator. He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute. After 1 minute, he hits the alligator on the head with a beer bottle, and he opens his mouth. To everyone's surprise, his dick is unharmed. "Now, before you buy me drinks, does anybody else want to try?" After a while, someone in the back finally raises their hand. It's a woman. "I guess I can try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."
The old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting at this same breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird, too .' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat back down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.'
Q: Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
A: There’s no menu; you get what you deserve.
Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?
A: A brick.
Two women friends had gone out for a girls night out, and had been overenthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very close to a graveyard, and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties, used them, and threw them away. Her friend however, was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the other husband and says, "These girls' nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, "From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you!"