A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It's no good trying to outrun it. It's catching up!” The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I'm not trying to outrun the lion, I'm trying to outrun you!”

It was the first day of school. Harry's mother went into his bedroom and said, "Come on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today." "But I don't want to go to school," replied Harry, "I want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school"? "Because," answered his mother, "you're a teacher!"

An old lady rushed into the police department and claimed she was raped. When asked what the guy looked like, she said she didn't know, only that he was a contractor. When asked how she knew that, she yelled, "All he could say was, 'I'm coming! I'm coming!' and he never finished the job."

Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died? He was looking for loopholes!

An infinite crowd of mathematicians enter a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second one orders half a pint, the third one orders a quarter pint. The bartender says, "I understand," and pours two pints.