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President Lincoln was approached by a woman after a political speech… If you were my husband I would poison your tea. Lincoln replied...if you are my wife I'll gladly drink it.
Q: What did Osama Bin Ladens ghost say to Mitt Romney? A: 'Dont be sad, Obamas foreign policy killed me too'
Congress does some strange things. They put a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink.
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal? <br>A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100? A: Your Honor. Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? A: Senator.
When asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton, 86% of women in D.C. said, 'Not again.'
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.
One day, the pope was in from Italy and after a rough week of meeting archbishops and other religious figures, he decided to go see the Galveston shore in Texas. When he arrives in his pope mobile, he sees a man struggling for his life aginst a shark. Upon a closer look he notices that it is John Kerry. Horrified, he starts to call for help when a speedboat pulls up along side Mr. Kerry, with George W. Bush and Dick Cheney on board. Dick Cheney leans over and pulls him out. Then George W. Busy and Dick Cheney begin to beat the shark to death with baseball bats. The two men notice the Pope and land the boat on the beach. The pope says to the men, 'I know that there has been a lot of attention and a lot of strife in this election, but I can see that you two men respect each other and would help each other in their house of need. You have my blessings.' The pope packs off and drives out of site. Bush asks, 'Who was that?' 'That was the pope Mr. President, he is all knowing and in touch with God. Leader of the Catholic Church,' says Cheney. Bush says, 'Well that's all neat and fine, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Hows the bait holding up?'
Have you heard about the Osama Bin Laden celebratory drink? It's two shots and a splash of water!
Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, 'How was your night in Hell?' 'Very educational,' responded the Pope. 'I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary.' 'Ooh, sorry,' said Clinton, 'you should have been there yesterday.'
Women in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the President. 86% of those responding said, ''Not again.''
What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection? 'Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door.'
What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician? Chelsea Clinton.
Why did the Pakistani cross the road? Because the American government was subsidizing the construction of mango harvesting and preservation infrastructure in the region on the other side, allowing farmers with the necessary means to develop strong ties to American markets and earn significant profits.
How did we know that Monica would testify? Because she has a history of not being able to keep her mouth closed.
A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink. 'Go on,' said the Scot, 'have another drink.' The Englishman drank gratefully. 'But don't you want one, too?' he asked the Scotsman. 'Perhaps,' replied the Scotsman, 'after the police have gone.'
What's black, white, red, blue, green, yellow, purple, orange, and super easy for anyone to do? Michelle McGee, Jesse James' mistress.
A priest, a politician, and a clown, walk into the bar. The bartender says, 'What is this, some kind of joke?'
If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?
The state dinner at the White House honored the prime minister of India, and the menu was vegetarian. How do you like that for Thanksgiving? No turkey, wrong Indians.
Rush Limbaugh wanted to buy an NFL team. His spectacle for him to see black people hit each other while the white quarterback is being protected. Reminds him of the America he loves.
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well,' he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.' The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.' The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, '$2,700.' The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?' The Chicago contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.' 'Done!' replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
After numerous rounds of, 'We don't know if Osama is still alive,' Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Kennedy opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. Noone could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, 'Tell Kennedy he's holding the message upside down.'