The recession is getting so bad, the bank sent me a new type of credit card. It was pre-declined.

Congress does some strange things. They put a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink.

I was playing UNO with a bunch of Mexicans, and they were cheating because they kept stealing all the green cards.

Monica Lewinsky walks into the dry cleaners. The old man behind the counter is hard of hearing and doesn't understand her request, so he says, "Come again." Monica responds, "No, this time it's mustard."

Q: What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?
A: You can't milk a cow for over 10 years.