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Did you hear about Monica Lewinsky becoming a Republican? The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.
Q: What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs.
Q: Why did Captain Kirk go in to the ladies room?
A: Because he wanted to go where no man had gone before.
Does anyone remember the Swatch, a watch made in Switzerland? Thank god Croatia didn't come up with the idea first. Just imagine if someone were to ask you what time is it? "Oh pardon me while I look at my crotch."
The Little Rascal's class were having a spelling test. The teacher asks if anyone can use the word "admire" in a sentence. Spanky raises his hand and says, "I admire my dog." "Good job," the teacher replies, "Now, who can use 'respect' in a sentence?" Alfalfa raises his hand and says, "I respect Spanky for admiring his dog." "Ok, " replies the teacher, "now who can use the word 'dictate' in a sentence?" There is silence in the class, then all of a sudden Buckwheat says, "Darla how did my dictate !?!"
Bill Clinton is no longer playing the saxophone. He is now playing the whore-Monica.