I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.
Q: What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?
A: Usain Bolt can finish a race.
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs.
Yo mama so ugly the Walking Dead wouldn't walk with her.
Q: What did Obi-Wan say to Luke at the breakfast table?
A: "Use the fork, Luke."