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Did you hear about Monica Lewinsky becoming a Republican? The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
Q: What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.
Does anyone remember the Swatch, a watch made in Switzerland? Thank god Croatia didn't come up with the idea first. Just imagine if someone were to ask you what time is it? "Oh pardon me while I look at my crotch."
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs.
Bill Clinton is no longer playing the saxophone. He is now playing the whore-Monica.
Q: Why did Captain Kirk go in to the ladies room?
A: Because he wanted to go where no man had gone before.