Dear NASA, Your mom thought I was big enough. - Pluto
Q: What do you call an ocean voyage where everyone stays in the closet?
A: A Tom Cruise.
I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta, now it’s a Ford Focus.
Yo mama so ugly the Terminator said, "I won't be back."
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.