Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
Yo momma's so fat and old when God said, "Let there be light," he asked your mother to move out of the way.
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".