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joke bank - Relationship Jokes

My wife and I are planning our 21st wedding anniversary celebration. Here lies the problem: she wants to go to Outback Steakhouse, I want sex, and my mother-in-law thinks we should renew our vows at church. Well, I'm all for compromise, so we should have sex outback of the church.

Mark My Words

A man admitted he lied on his income tax return: he listed himself as the head of the household!

TheLaughFa...

Q: Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll in stores now?
A: It comes with all of Ken’s stuff.

Anonymous

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.

LaughFactory

An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon. They were in bed getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said, "I should tell you I have acute angina." The old man says, "I hope so. You sure don't have cute tits."

TheLaughFa...

Two women are discussing life in the retirement village they live in with their spouses and how they like it. One woman tells the other that she misses sex though to which the other replies that her and her hubby still have sex whenever she wants. The first woman asks how and the second woman says every so often when he's in the bathroom getting ready for bed she gets naked and lays on the bed holding her legs up in the air so when he comes out he can't help but have sex with her. The first woman decides to try this a couple of weeks later. Her husband is in the bathroom getting ready for bed so she gets naked, lays down and struggles to get one leg up and then the other as she's holding them shakily. Her husband comes out and exclaims, "Good Lord woman, put in your teeth and brush your hair....you're starting to look like an asshole!"

Vicki of F...

A little old lady comes into the kitchen to talk to her husband and says, "Honey just look at me. My legs are heavy, thighs are getting big, and boobs are sagging. I could really use a complement right about now." The husband replied, "You have really good eye sight!"

nightmaregirl

Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.

LaughFactory

A man is standing at a grave, staring at the head stone. A second man walks up and asks, "Is this someone you knew?" The first guy says, "Yes, it was my wife." The second guy says, "It must be hard to lose a wife." The first guys replies, "Yep, damn near impossible."

KSConn1

A man was driving his wife home after a night out, when they were stopped by the police. “Sir, did you know you were speeding?” asked the officer. “No, I had no idea that I was speeding,” replied the husband. “Of course you were,” interrupted the wife, “you’re always speeding.” The officer looked at the rear of the vehicle and said, “And did you know your brake light is broken sir?” “No, I had no idea that it was broken,” replied the husband. Again the wife interrupted, “Of course you knew it was broken. You’re always saying you’ll get it repaired, but you never have.” The officer began to sympathize for the husband and said, “Does she always talk to you like this?” The wife said, “Only when he’s drunk.”

Anonymous

A man is at work one day, when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a conservative guy, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.” The co-worker responds sheepishly, “Don’t make such a big deal out of this, it’s only an earring.” The man falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So how long have you been wearing one?” The co-worker responds, “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”

markhorist

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

LaughFactory