My girlfriend wanted us to get a Sleep Number bed, so we went and checked it out. Turns out her sleep number is 61, and mine is $3500!
A man was driving his wife home after a night out, when they were stopped by the police. “Sir, did you know you were speeding?” asked the officer. “No, I had no idea that I was speeding,” replied the husband. “Of course you were,” interrupted the wife, “you’re always speeding.” The officer looked at the rear of the vehicle and said, “And did you know your brake light is broken sir?” “No, I had no idea that it was broken,” replied the husband. Again the wife interrupted, “Of course you knew it was broken. You’re always saying you’ll get it repaired, but you never have.” The officer began to sympathize for the husband and said, “Does she always talk to you like this?” The wife said, “Only when he’s drunk.”
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!" "I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today!"
My wife is such a bad cook, the flies chipped in to fix the screens. - Rodney Dangerfield