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joke bank - Relationship Jokes

My girlfriend wanted us to get a Sleep Number bed, so we went and checked it out. Turns out her sleep number is 61, and mine is $3500!


How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.


The other night I went out on a blind date. Well it didn't start out that way, she had mace.

Mark My Words

John was talking to his fiance, Rebecca. He said, "Be honest now, baby, how am I as a lover?" To which she replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm." "Really?" he asked excitedly. "Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the word 'warm.'" John was pleased until he went home and just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, "WARM: Not so hot."


Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized!


I bough my wife a mood ring, and when she's in a good mood the ring turns blue. But when she's in a bad mood, it leaves a big red spot in the middle of my forehead.

Mark My Words

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.


My wife is such a bad cook, the flies chipped in to fix the screens. - Rodney Dangerfield


I get no respect with my wife. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.


Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.


Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.


He named the street he owned after his wife. What a grand statement of his love for her, for she was cold, hard, cracked, and only gets plowed around the holidays.