Chocolate Sundaes is live this Sunday! Catch Tim Allen monthly in Hollywood on Thursday, October 6th! Come see Adam Ray, Andrew Santino, Chris Redd, Jordan Rock, and more in Hollywood this week. Check the Clubs & Tickets page for more.

joke bank - Relationship Jokes

My girlfriend wanted us to get a Sleep Number bed, so we went and checked it out. Turns out her sleep number is 61, and mine is $3500!

friskevision

A husband says to his wife, "Honey I just won the lottery. Pack your bags!" The wife says, "Great. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?" The husband replies, "I don't care, just get the hell out!"

comedylove

Someone asked me, "Now that you are retired, do you still have a job?" I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser." Somewhat shocked, they said, "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?" "Very simple," I answered, "My wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask me for it."

Anonymous

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig." The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

jesternight

The other night I went out on a blind date. Well it didn't start out that way, she had mace.

Mark My Words

My wife is such a bad cook, the flies chipped in to fix the screens. - Rodney Dangerfield

fastfidos

Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.

LaughFactory

John was talking to his fiance, Rebecca. He said, "Be honest now, baby, how am I as a lover?" To which she replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm." "Really?" he asked excitedly. "Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the word 'warm.'" John was pleased until he went home and just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, "WARM: Not so hot."

Anonymous

I get no respect with my wife. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

Aces

What do you call an ex-girlfriend with GPS capability? A crazy bitch that will find you!

rhodaricaf...

I bough my wife a mood ring, and when she's in a good mood the ring turns blue. But when she's in a bad mood, it leaves a big red spot in the middle of my forehead.

Mark My Words

Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

LaughFactory