A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said, "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300." The husband asked, "What would mine go for?" The wife replied, "They were giving ones like yours away for free." The husband said, "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000." "How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied, "That was where they were holding the auction."
A farmer walks into his bedroom carrying a lamb under his arm. He walks over to his wife who's laying in bed. "See!" he yells, "This is the pig I have to have sex with whenever you get one of your headaches!" The wife says, "You know that's a lamb under your arm, don't you?" The farmer says, "I wasn't talking to you."
On New Year's Eve, a woman stood up at a local pub and said it was time to get ready for the midnight countdown. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to stand next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck midnight, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
Q: My boyfriend is as beautiful as Frank Sinatra and as intelligent as Albert Einstein; what is his name?