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joke bank - Religious Jokes

Three priests and three young boys are on a boat on the ocean. The boat starts to sink and first priest says, "Save the boys!" The second priest says, "F*ck the boys!" The third priest says, "Do you think we have time?!"

winett

Religion is like a penis: it's good to have one and it's good to be proud of it, but the problem starts when you begin flaunting it in public.

Lorris Simon

Four nuns die and are in line to get into Heaven. St. Peter appears and tells them they can get in, but must do one last confession. The first nun confesses to seeing a penis. St. Peter instructs her to rinse her eyes in holy water, say 10 Hail Marys, and she can get in. The second nun admits to touching a penis. St. Peter instructs her to rinse her hand in holy water, say 20 Hail Marys, and she can get in. Seeing this, the fourth nun taps the third nun's shoulder and says, "Can I cut in front of you? I'm going to need to rinse my mouth and I know you need to rinse your asshole."

preciusbut...

A church's bell ringer passed away. The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful melody. They gave him the job on the spot. The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two priests were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this guy?" The other responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."
The next day, the dead man's twin brother came in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also had no arms. The clergy led him up to the bell tower, where he ran at the bell, tripped and fell to the sidewalk below. The same two priests walked up. The first asked, "Do you know him?" The second responded, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Snowman

When Paddy's dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals. Paddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Paddy asked, "Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough payment for the dog's funeral?" The preacher relied, "Dearest Paddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog was a Catholic?"

Nina JOBLING

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

vagrant13

Q. How does Moses make coffee?
A. He brews it!

Anonymous

Homosexuality is wrong because it is unnatural. Now, lets learn about a man born of virgin birth, that healed lepers and blind people with his hands, walked on water, turned water into wine, and how all the wrong in the world happened because a rib ate an apple because a talking snake told her to.

KungFuPony

Q: Where in the Bible is the first tennis match mentioned? A: When Joseph served in the Pharaoh's court.

Nina Jobling

Why do Mormon women stop having kids at 29? Because 30 is too many!

chuckwarner

Q: What do you call a vicar with a boner?
A: An erector.

Anonymous

A substitute for a Catholic priest is hearing confessions. He is confused about what to recommend a confessor should do to rectify guilt sustained, after doing a sexual favor for her boss. He sticks his head out of the confessional and asks a nearby alter boy what the father gives for a bl*wjob. The alter boy responds, "Usually a Snickers and a ride home."

seanmcgrier12