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joke bank - Sex Jokes
A man in a hotel lobby turns to go to the front desk, but he accidentally runs into a woman beside him and his elbow bumps into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
A guy and girl had sex poem competition.
Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."
Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left hand... nothing. So my wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth... nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing. The doctor replied, "Wait a minute, did you say your wife's friend too?!" The elderly man answered, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup."
An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"
An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, “Excuse me, but I’m not a gynecologist.” “I know,” said the old lady. “I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”
A guy's talking to a girl in a bar.
He asks her, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
He says, "Beerfuck."
A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."
Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "Heck. My wife is better than that." The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "You know? Your wife IS better."
A newlywed man is going away on a business trip for 3 weeks and doesn't want his brand new bride to get lonely and mess around while he's gone. He stops by the local sex toy shop in town. He looks around, but doesn't see anything that would keep his wife occupied for 3 weeks. He asks the clerk for a recommendation. The clerk takes a black box from underneath the counter, assuring the newlywed that its contents are not for sale. He opens the box, and inside is what appears to be a normal dildo. The newlywed guy is unimpressed, but the clerk says, "Let me demonstrate." He looks at the dildo and says, "Voodoo dick, the counter!" and the dildo jumps out of the box. The clerk commands, "Voodoo dick, the box!" and the dildo hops back into the box. The newlywed man asks how much it costs, but the clerk insists it is a priceless heirloom. The newlywed man takes $500 cash out of his wallet and the clerk quickly hands over the dildo. When the man arrives home, he gives his wife the box, explains how it works, and leaves the next morning on his business trip. A few days later the wife is bored and horny, so she opens the box and skeptically says, "Voodoo dick, my pussy." After about 15 minutes, she has had several orgasms and is starting to get tired, so she tries to pull the voodoo dick out. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to make it stop. She puts on a dress and drives to the hospital. On the way there, the voodoo dick is still going at her so the lady is speeding and swerving her car. A police officer pulls her over. The cop asks, "Lady, why are you driving so recklessly?" She explains, "Officer, there's this voodoo dick going at my pussy and I can't make it stop! I'm on the way to the hospital to have it removed!" The officer laughs and says, "Yeah right, lady. Voodoo dick, my ass."
Why did the bald man cut a hole in his pocket? He wanted to run his fingers through his hair.
The Penis Study. The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and three years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and two cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.